two steps forward...

new tri bike??

Time is passing by so fast these days.. For the last few weeks things have been busy and quiet at the same time. It takes all my energy to get to work and home again, nevermind cook something healthy or train. I won't bore you with the gory details, there is too much to say and it doesn't matter how many times I try to write it out for myself the words feel meaningless and this is a triathlon training blog afterall. I know I need to get back at it but am waiting for the breath to do it... I have been waiting. In the past this would have been the slippery slope to hell, give it all up and say fuck it. Trust me there has been a lot of 'fuck it' and 'who cares anyway' these last weeks but now, what I have learned over the last year, I knew I just needed to give myself some time, just wait and a spark would come back. I wish I were the type of person, you know, the kind they make after school special movies about, the kind that would take this tragedy and turn it upside down, do something spectacular on the heels of this but I am not made up of the stuff of an after school special. I can say that I have gone from crying over stupid things like my coffee cup is empty to more relevant crying over things like long distance commercials. Yesterday I got some loving ass kicking words from a good friend and then I connected with a girl who is new to triathlon and scared. Boy do I get that. We chatted for a brief time and as I was telling her 'no problem, you can totally do this' I felt it, the spark.

I have made some decisions about my training/racing season. I am getting back on the 'horse' but it will be a less social, more solo, take my time, type of schedule. I'm out for the 70.3 this year (Fran I'm still coming to Peterborough to cheer you on). I can't commit to the training hours required to complete the race, if the race were later in the year I would still consider it but July 10 is way too soon. I will do an Olympic distance at the Women's only in Kelso on Labour Day and I'm still 'in' for the half marthon in October. These feel doable, acheivable. I will do the half next year, there is always next year. I suspect there will be a few sprints this year as well leading up to the Olympic too, enough training and racing to keep progressing but not overwhelming.

I would like to do 'something' with my racing from a charitable perspective in Hunter's honour. We are still waiting on autopsy results to determine root cause of death but regardless of what we find out I know now that all my money will go to Sick Kids Hospital. I typically donate to causes like cancer (obviously), humane society etc but I have been touched directly by Sick Kids. To sit with the staff and watch them work tirelessly on my niece, remaining calm and professional while at the same time being so unbelievable compassionate to me and my family moves me beyond tears. These people, especially Hunter's nurses Lori and Bev deserve a medal, a parade, a huge raise, something, anything. They didn't give us false hope yet they didn't let us give up hoping. They let us come to the conclusions in our own time, they listened, the provided insight, they laughed with us, they cried with us and the night nurse Lori even brought me her iphone charger from home on a break so I could stay in touch with family. So you'll all forgive me, any money I would have donated to other causes this year will be going to Sick Kids in Hunter's name. I need to investigate how/if I can incorporate this with my racing as well. If you have any ideas please let me know.

So now I'm on a hunt for a new bike helmet, I hear Saturday is going to be sunny so I will be doing something, I'd LOVE a bike ride along the lake in the sunshine. Sunday we are having a crossing over ceremony for Hunter and I'm looking forward to sitting in circle with my sister and family.

that's all I got...

so I was...

wishing for sunshine, a lake, a dock, a hot coffee and birds singing, pants rolled up, toes dunking in the water..

but I'll settle for some sunshine today...









thinking of you everyday and missing you
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox



Where I'm at...

As you can imagine this past week was a whirlwind and a roller coaster of emotion. I can't say enough how grateful I am for the non-stop support I have received, please know that I am trying to get back to all of you as quickly as I can. How Hunter's parents and brothers make it out of bed everyday is beyond me. They are strong, amazing people and I'm certain that is how Hunter ended up being the great kid she was.

I've not trained and am not in the mindset to even bother. Am I going to race? I don't have a clue. These upcoming weeks with my family are my number 1 priority and I'm not sure where training fits in. I do need to get out and do something but can't think about training with the team just yet, the tears still come too easily and 10-12 hrs per week right now is far to overwhelming to contemplate.  

I'm back to work, taking things minute to minute.  Until I get my shit together I'm going to shut up shop here rather than put you through anymore sad posts. 

I'll be back...

RIP Hunter

so I was...

Jason from Cook Train Eat Race has graciously agreed to guest post for me as I am busy with family having lost my niece this past Sunday.  Thanks Jason you are simply the best. Thanks to everyone for your notes, tweets, phone calls, texts, emails and the love, I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Honored that Adena would ask me to guest write for her. This is a special post and being able to stand in for a dear friend means the world to me.

Thinking there needs to be a way to record thoughts while training without it being obtrusive or handheld

Thrilled with the fact that I am now the VP of Sales at Fun City Social Media 1 month after starting. Yes, I am hiring but only in the DFW area

Recovering from 70.3 IMCA when training started again without me knowing. PURE AWESOME!

Wondering if Timex sells their heart rate strap by itself. I don't need the entire kit anymore, just the strap

Feeling a little down about having to drive to Kansas City because it is 9 hours IN A CAR

Deciding what to make for dinner and chose tacos and buffalo tempeh wings

Figuring out if I made personal homemade healthy baked good would people buy them and at what price including shipping

Talking about peeing on the bike and run with friends on Twitter yesterday. I can do both and proud of it

On top of the world with the nominee for this weeks The Athlete's Plate. Will be revealed tomorrow morning

Writing this post on an absolutely gorgeous day in Texas. Weather is perfect right now, and I'm WORKING....Should be outside riding El Diablo

In the mood to bake some brownies, but will have to wait until my food processor gets replaced. Which will have to be very very soon. I need my food processor

Hoping nobody would be offended but people really really need to watch what they eat. So many people just stuff their faces without regard to what they are eating and that both saddens and aggravates me simultaneously

that's all he's got...

This is how I'll always remember you Honey Lynne

If you'll indulge me.  A very close member of our extended family and one of Hunter's favourite people in the world posted a note to Hunter on her facebook wall and I'd like to post it here.

Cheech I still cant believe it. I feel like the Tin Man when Dorothy was leaving Oz, remember? "Now I know i have a heart because I can feel it breaking..." And do you remember when you were little and in the middle of the night you climbed out an open window onto the ledge that ran all the way around the building and no one knew where you were but before all hell broke loose you turned up safe and sound without an ounce of panic or fear in your little body, as though midnight windowledge exploration was a perfectly natural adventure for a girl and her security blanket to have? I remember like it was yesterday, and if it's all the same to you I'm not going to think of you as gone, just out on that windowledge having the time of your life, and one day we're going to see each other again and I'm going to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight and say "Don't ever scare me like that again"... I love you Hunter, until then... ~~~ Chris Stewart

RIP

RIP Hunter, I will love you and miss you forever and ever and ever

so I was...

When I decided to get a tattoo, I wanted one like hers
How did this happen??

Writing goals for the week, month, six months and year. They include actually finishing this half ironman even though it still feels like kind of a joke and sometimes not a funny one.

Eating really well, and feeling good.

Sleeping like sh*t lately, what's up with that.

Dreading having to start getting up early to get workouts in but I kinda wanna beat Matty O in total weekly hours of training.

Wishing I was a millionaire gazillionaire.

Writing this entry on the train with one hand, I have a coffee in the other.

Still relieved that I have finished all my tax stuff for this year, business and personal.

Choking when I saw the bill from my accountant. Seriously.

Excited to be back in the pool tonight, first spin, then swim.

Looking forward to warmer weather as the week progresses.

Looking forward to the weekend with loads of training and fun stuff.

Wondering, on the bike, do you actually put cream on the chamois to help the girly bits, I am still kinda confused and a bit put off at the thought.

Thinking I need to get to Neworld for a new bike seat. In fact maybe after my long ride on Saturday, I'll be all sweaty and gross, nice.

Thrilled to open up my mailbox to another postcard from my pal PedalmanTO, I always love hearing from him and checking out the funky postcards he sends.

There's loads more going on so I was planning on telling you all about it later this week.

that's all I got...

(non) Mommie, that's me

the Mommies are BACK!!

Still not feeling like blogging much but I did have a fun weekend. Friday night was spent with two of my best friends, they have never met and there was much laughing and more laughing and more laughing, oh and some wine drinking. We were up late so I slept in and didn't make my endurance ride. We went for breakfast because nothing cures a slight wine headache more than a bucket of coffee and a basket o'bacon. Off to our appointment, then I dropped her at the GO station before I headed out to our local Burlington Triathlon fair.

I was helping out at the Second Wind Conditioning tent and when I arrived I was really excited to see my Mommies in Motion teammates! Gail was stretching (doing the pretzel) after a long run. I saw some of the TCoB folks but I don't really know any of them, well I know Jackie but that's about it. I did snag a free tech tshirt from them. I saw Paula from Foottools, which is my favourite local running shop and bought some new goggles that she said are 'the best ever!!!!!' and those no tie laces for my shoes. By the time I got home I was exhausted and just relaxed on the couch for the evening. I could have gotten my trainer out of the trunk of my car, my bike trainer not Nancy, and ridden for a while but I gave that idea the proverbial finger. It's been ages since I had a few hours in a row to myself to do nothing.

Sunday I was up late again, I thought when you got old you were supposed to naturally wake up at 5am or something but apparently if you are me you need 12 hours of sleep. I went to the grocery store and picked up a load of yummy good food, and came home and started to work. I spent the afternoon working and doing laundry and then the early evening cooking lunches for the week and my dinner. When I went to log off my computer I realized that I had been working with an out of date plan and I had to review the whole thing over again. Thankfully there weren't many changes that needed to be made.

Nancy or Elvis?

So it's Monday and I'm back to work and my training plan for this week is killer, I'm up to about 9 or 10 hours this week and I'll be testing out those new goggles in the pool on Wednesday night. I wast thinking about taking the Yoga class after my spin class tonight but me doing Yoga at all is bad enough, me doing yoga in cycling pants? Priceless.. NOT gonna happen. 

How was your weekend?

that's all I got...

OMG I LIED!!  My awesome friend Jason at Cooktraineatrace participated in his first 70.3 this weekend and came in with a blistering finish time.  I am SO proud of Jason!!  and I'm humbled to be a part of team BAHA, but am I Angel or Ninja?  Goofball is more like it.

WAY TO GO JASON!!!!