Up and down, up and down, the freaking roller coaster never stops… not bad one day, a mess the next. Not bad one minute, a mess the next. This is the reality of grief I guess.
I have been spending ALOT of time with an old friend lately. Someone I know very well... too well... and someone I don't really like. This person is me, the old me. The me that smokes too much (keep reading before you start yelling at me ok), drinks too much, sits on the couch just hiding away from everyone and everything. Someone that is afraid of everything and everyone. I hate it but it felt comfortable. I hate it but it's what I know, that's what I do and what I turn to when things get bad. I can tell you that things have never been quite as bad as they have been these last 5 weeks.
For the last two weeks I've felt pretty restless though, unhappy with my state of mind, who wants to be miserable all the time anyway? I was relieved with the restlessness, maybe something has changed after this past year. Who knew you could change at 45 years old (don't tell anyone). It's so easy to go backwards but I know in my mind that its only temporary and I don't want to be her anymore, I don't want to be here anymore. This morning I emailed coach Nancy, I may be out of the half this year but I need a program to focus on the women's only sprint in September and half marathon in October. I even told her my goal times for both races, WTH? I don't want to train, remember this is me we are talking about but I know I'll feel better if I do.. And I do MUCH better with a structured program and coach Nancy checking in on me.
~ program from the coach to start Monday
~ quit smoking on Tuesday. Yes I mean it.. Please come kick my ass if I don't
~ mommies in motion team training starts in 3 weeks or so
~ coach Nancy's group cycling starts soon
Still crying but I'm moving ahead.. Please feel free to heckle, email, text, yell, tweet if you don't see stats starting Monday or just come over and smack me in person. Even though I've been mostly out of touch I've still been finding loads of inspiration through your blogs and tweets. I *still* wanna be like you guys. :-)
that's all I got...