Tuesday, May 17, 2011

sick of me yet?

It's ok, I am too...

Up and down, up and down, the freaking roller coaster never stops… not bad one day, a mess the next.  Not bad one minute, a mess the next.  This is the reality of grief I guess.

I have been spending ALOT of time with an old friend lately. Someone I know very well... too well... and someone I don't really like. This person is me, the old me. The me that smokes too much (keep reading before you start yelling at me ok), drinks too much, sits on the couch just hiding away from everyone and everything. Someone that is afraid of everything and everyone. I hate it but it felt comfortable. I hate it but it's what I know, that's what I do and what I turn to when things get bad.  I can tell you that things have never been quite as bad as they have been these last 5 weeks.

For the last two weeks I've felt pretty restless though, unhappy with my state of mind, who wants to be miserable all the time anyway? I was relieved with the restlessness, maybe something has changed after this past year. Who knew you could change at 45 years old (don't tell anyone). It's so easy to go backwards but I know in my mind that its only temporary and I don't want to be her anymore, I don't want to be here anymore. This morning I emailed coach Nancy, I may be out of the half this year but I need a program to focus on the women's only sprint in September and half marathon in October. I even told her my goal times for both races, WTH? I don't want to train, remember this is me we are talking about but I know I'll feel better if I do.. And I do MUCH better with a structured program and coach Nancy checking in on me.

so pretty
~ program from the coach to start Monday
~ quit smoking on Tuesday. Yes I mean it.. Please come kick my ass if I don't
~ mommies in motion team training starts in 3 weeks or so
~ coach Nancy's group cycling starts soon

Still crying but I'm moving ahead.. Please feel free to heckle, email, text, yell, tweet if you don't see stats starting Monday or just come over and smack me in person. Even though I've been mostly out of touch I've still been finding loads of inspiration through your blogs and tweets. I *still* wanna be like you guys. :-)

that's all I got...


Allison said...

Thinking about you all the time and praying for peace and comfort. I know that for me, getting back into a healthy routine helped a million with my grief when I lost my dearest friend, my father and bill's mother. Take all your sadness out on your bikes, cry and sweat all over that bike frame..... I always felt refreshed after that.

xoxoxo - hugs and prayers from Texas

JohnP said...

Sorry you completely lost me at the whole '45 years old' part...

damn, I completely forgot that. Wow.


lol - seriously I never thought you wer THAT OLD! :) I figured late 30's at most (which is still old, but still!) :)

Lookin' gooood for a cougar! Chin up gurl, enjoy life! Ease back into an exercise routine, you'll feel better in no time!

Glad to see you're workin' to get your mojo back!

I promise to slap your wrist if I catch you doing bad things. tsk tsk! :)

wow...45 - really? lol

Matty O said...

HAHAHAHA Well, I guess JP took care of that aspect of my comment. Moving forward... You honestly resorted to putting tar filled crap back in your body?! DISGUSTING!!!

Did you just invite me up there to slap you silly?

Hey, you made the first step... holding yourself accountable with your coach. Great move.

I get it, when people are stressed (not even just grief, stress causes it) they go to their "happy place" where they are comfortable and content and SAFE.

Unfortunately, life doesn't allow that, you will miss life if you stay there. So after a short checkin... I think its time for you to checkout of your "happy place" and join us all again :)

I want to see a picture of your remaining cigarettes in the garbage can (AT WORK, so you don't get tempted to grab them) on Tuesday!!!

Doru said...

I believe that one of the best remedies for grief is to find a way to not think about it too much. And training is probably the best way to keep your mind focused on something else.

My advice is to start with baby steps and don't set high goals in the beginning. Once you get into a routine then you can slowly increase the mileage.

Good luck to you and keep us updated.

FranP said...

Glad to hear you contacted Nancy. This will help you move forward and will help with the positive endorphins your body needs right now!
Small steps and you will be back to your loving, fun, non-smoking self in no time. ;) Miss you!

Anonymous said...

I know you can do it. You know how much better you'll feel. Hang in there, sweetie!

- Bruce

Anonymous said...

I'm still up and down all the time about Calvin...and he was a cat, and he died over a year ago! I've been learning to take it one day at a time. Because that's all you can do.

I'm happy to hear you're going to start up with Nancy again. Hopefully it gives you something else to think about. If you ever want to just go for a fun ride, I'd be happy to come join you.

Will never be sick of you, up or down. *hugs*


Big Daddy Diesel said...

You have quit smoking before, so you know you can do it again

You trained for a tri before, so you know you can do it

I am not sure, but I think you did a half mary before, if not, I did a half mary before, so if I can do it, so can you

Besides, your half mary is on my bday, and I want my bday present, and i am gonna run one as well on my bday, so you have to now.

Hang in there, I have said before that training can be theraputic

Anonymous said...

You can do it! My husband quit smoking 15 yrs ago!

Still Running said...

45 is so very young. I just turned 44, so I know. take the time you need to be not-so-strong. we all take our turn at some point.

Allie said...

I'd come over and smack you in the office but I'd rather just go out for a walk with you for some fresh air and a green tea at Starbucks. Hey! You talked me into doing a half-marathon in October. The least I can do is make sure that you are with me to do this.......

Julie said...

Don't listen to JohnP 45 is not old! Because if 45 was old then I would be old and I refuse to believe that!

Put down those cigs and walk away girl!! You will be so happy you did, and you know you can!

Ups and downs are pretty normal, it's all part of the greiving process as I'm sure you know. Don't beat yourself up about it.

VanAwesome! said...

Woo Hooo!!! Gald to hear you are getting back at'er. I know that feeling of living with your 'old self' the thing is ...like you said...the 'new' self gets tired of that 'old'self after awhile and finally says, "OK enough is enough!...let's get move'n already!!"...hence the call to Nancy :-)

MIM will be meeting at MM next Tues BE THERE!!!!!!!